The "Separation of Tasks" in Adlerian Ps

The "Separation of Tasks" in Adlerian Psychology: The Core Principle to Unlock Freedom in Interpersonal Relationships

 

In the maze of interpersonal relationships, we are often trapped by anxiety, internal friction, and blurred boundaries—parents stay up all night worrying about their children's academic performance, workplace professionals brood over colleagues' refusal to adopt their suggestions, and partners argue over each other's life choices. The root of these troubles usually lies in "failing to distinguish whose task it is". The "separation of tasks" theory in Adlerian psychology is precisely the key to solving this dilemma, teaching us how to find a balance between respect and independence and live a more free life.

 

I. What is "Separation of Tasks"? Understand the Core Definition First

 

The "separation of tasks" is a core concept in Adler's individual psychology regarding interpersonal relationships. Its essence is to clearly distinguish between "one's own tasks" and "others' tasks" through a simple criterion: Who will bear the final outcome of this matter? The person who bears the outcome is the owner of the task.

 

Take a student's learning task as an example: The level of exam scores and mastery of knowledge ultimately affects the student's academic path and personal growth. Therefore, "whether to study hard" and "how to prepare for exams" are the student's tasks; while the anxiety and irritability that parents feel due to their children's grades— the psychological burden brought by these emotions is borne by the parents themselves. Thus, "managing anxiety" is the parents' task, not the child's responsibility. Looking at the workplace scenario: Whether a colleague adopts the work suggestion you put forward ultimately affects the colleague's work results and career development. Hence, "whether to adopt the suggestion" is the colleague's task; while whether you put forward reasonable suggestions based on your responsibilities reflects your professional attitude, which is your own task.

 

Many people mistakenly believe that the "separation of tasks" means "staying out of things that don't concern you". In fact, it merely helps us return to the essence of tasks—everyone should be responsible for their own life, and can only be responsible for their own life.

 

II. Two Core Principles: Do Not Overstep Boundaries, Do Not Be Interfered With

 

After clarifying the ownership of tasks, to truly practice the "separation of tasks", two key principles must be followed, which are crucial to reducing internal friction in interpersonal relationships.

 

The first principle is "do not interfere with others' tasks". In life, we always tend to impose our will on others in the name of "doing it for your own good": forcing children to give up their hobbies and choose a "promising" major, pressuring single friends to "get married and have children quickly", and criticizing a partner's consumption habits. These behaviors seem like care, but in reality, they cross the boundaries of tasks and treat others' lives as their own "responsibilities". As a result, the other party usually develops a confrontational attitude under pressure, and we also feel exhausted in the gap between "good intentions not being appreciated".

 

The second principle is "do not let others interfere with your own tasks". Oftentimes, we waver in our choices because of others' evaluations and expectations: giving up the opportunity for career promotion because others say "women don't need to work too hard"; quietly setting aside our passions because friends think "your hobby is meaningless"; abandoning a partner we truly like because of family opposition. Behind these compromises, we are letting others judge our own tasks, and eventually lose ourselves. Adler tells us that only you have the right to decide on your own life tasks. Others' opinions can be used as references, but should not become the final criterion.

 

III. Do Not Confuse! The Essential Difference Between "Care" and "Interference"

 

When practicing the "separation of tasks", the most common mistake is confusing "interference" with "care". In fact, the boundary between the two is very clear: Care is support based on respect, while interference is imposition based on control.

 

Genuine care means giving the right to choose to the other person. For example, when a child encounters difficulties in learning, saying "I can help you find some learning materials if you need them"; when a friend is facing a career choice, saying "I will support you no matter which path you choose"; when a partner is in a low mood, saying "I am here whenever you want to talk". These expressions contain no coercion, only understanding and companionship, making the other person feel respected rather than controlled.

 

Interference, on the other hand, is full of the coercion of "must" and "should". For example, "You must sign up for this cram school, otherwise you will have no future"; "You should choose to be a civil servant, stability is the most important thing"; "How can you spend money like this? You are so irresponsible". Behind these words, we are imposing our own values on others, ignoring the other person's real needs, and ultimately only pushing each other further apart.

 

IV. The Ultimate Goal: From "Internal Friction" to "Feeling of Community"

 

Some people may ask: "Will the separation of tasks make people indifferent to each other?" On the contrary, the ultimate goal of Adler's proposal of this theory is to build a healthier "feeling of community"—allowing us to better cooperate with others on the basis of clear boundaries, and feel that we belong to a certain group and can contribute to it.

 

When everyone can do their own tasks well and not interfere with others' choices, interpersonal relationships will change from "control and confrontation" to "respect and cooperation": parents no longer feel anxious about their children's tasks, but focus on self-growth and influence their children with the power of example; workplace professionals no longer get tangled up in colleagues' choices, but focus on improving their professional abilities; partners no longer quarrel over their differences, but respect each other's independence and grow together.

 

In this state, we do not need to be responsible for others' lives, nor do we have to let others be responsible for our own choices. Internal friction naturally decreases, and it is replaced by inner freedom and calmness.

 

The "separation of tasks" is not a skill that can be mastered overnight. It requires us to practice continuously in life: when encountering troubles, first ask ourselves "Whose task is this?" and "Who will bear the outcome?" Then try to "return" the tasks that do not belong to us and "take over" the tasks that do. Over time, you will find that the anxiety and internal friction in interpersonal relationships gradually disappear, and instead, you will have a more relaxed and free life.